angry? Yes I'm angry

let me count the ways.

I'm angry because 8 beggars came to the door and I didn't have change to give them.

The cook was angry, recognizing that most of them had gotten money yesterday, but it is "hunger season" before the rice crops are planted and harvested, so they probably need money every day.

The problem? My savings are shrinking to a dangerous level because of Lolo's funeral etc expenses...(I try to keep enough money in savings in case I get sick....Medicaid doesn't pay for hospitalization here).  So I am on a budget, trying to spend only what I get in my pension.

And my stepson "borrowed" some money, and even though his business has collected two large checks, he doesn't have money to pay me. Indeed, I suspect he'd ask for more if I said there was some available. I have emptied my ATM card, knowing he would ask if I had extra money, and only took enough cash out to pay for expenses.

So I have to plead poverty or he'll weedle me out of more. Indeed, when he came Friday to ask for a small loan, I said I needed money for food, and asked for 2000 pesos (40 dollars) and got it. Our food budget is 800 pesos a day for basics, and 200 for beggars and miscellaneous.

Add 100 pesos for tricycle to visit Lolo's grave nearly every day, and voila, empty pockets..

I had extra money, but Joy needed 2000 pesos for a church meeting, and 2000 earlier in the week for a trip in case of emergency expenses (needed, since they got a flat on the way home).

Then Dita said a distant relative of Angie's husband's family died, so I sent another 1000....probably should have sent only 500 but no smaller bills, and funerals are expensive.

Then the maid needed money for her LPG to cook with. It's cheaper to give her this, because the alternative is cooking over wood, and her son would be here in two days with a chest infection/asthma.

So I have 3000 left until the banks open, so no extra spending for me.

When I beg poverty I am not poor: It's just that I am a softie at giving money to those who need it, and if I don't get strict with myself I will be broke.

Sigh.

We are signal one from a storm hitting the Visayas, so it rained all night. So I didn't go to church. Actually the rain is minimal now and no flooding this morning so I could have...if I had money for tricycle, which I don't, and if I wasn't wheezing when I leave the room (with the aircon set on dehumidify/filter). So I am angry at this, and angry that no one here thinks they need to accompany me to my own church for one lousy hour. An ongoing problem...I always went with Lolo and then didn't go when he got sick until I arranged for the cook to go with me to the very early mass where I came late and left early since no one was watching him.

Again a lot of anger issues for the family's neglect of him.

So right now, everyone is off. Joy and Ruby are off to their charismatic church to sing (and for Ruby to dance), and Chano is off to the farm "for birthday" as the cook says (to party with his friends).

Me? I'm watching the door. Another Charismatic church meets here in the morning. They got some kids to come to get free books for school, after making the kids attend a service, and they are hoping to keep them coming. There used to be a name for those who join a church for this type of charity: Rice Christians.

So I have a lot of anger, but you know, most of it is freestanding anger...from boredom, from being alone, from not having anything to do...from no friends...from feeling I am being exploited and manipulated.

So forgive? Ah, the problem: if I "forgive" will I be open to more manipulation via guilt?

Forgive a sociopath? And then I'll just be manipulated into poverty as I saw this person do to my poor husband.

Sigh.

I should note that it is too dangerous for me to walk to church alone, and sitting alone in a "happy happy Post Vatican II catholic church" is hell.

It makes me long for a quiet Latin mass, where all you have to do is pray to God, and not sing offkey, listen to sermons that have nothing to do with your life, and at the holiest time of Mass, when you are preparing your heart for Jesus, to come out of your prayer and shake hands with strangers as if you cared about them.

Yes, I know: your neighbor is as important as Jesus...and Mass should be a joyful meeting of friends united in worship.

The problem is that for 35 years I spent serving my neighbor and I don't need to shake hands to know this is important. Indeed, I dread the custom.